'Twas the night before radiation

I am excited, yes, I know that sounds strange.  I am excited to begin radiation because that means I am a giant steps towards healing.

After a successful surgery, clean margins and no lymph node involvement, I was doing great and feeling great. And then Holy Week (busy week for a preacher), I developed an infection and my incision totally reopened. I have had to heal from the inside out and it has been a slow process.

So, I am excited to get started on this next phase of treatment. Every day ( Monday through Friday) for the next 6 ½ weeks, I will begin my day at the Caromont Cancer Center. I am so grateful for all the support and prayers I have received.  Through one of the most challenging times in my life, the body of Christ has truly been present with me. I can literally feel your prayers lifting me up, and I am carrying your support with me.

I have been reminded about over and over that I am not in control.  Cancer disrupts plans, cancer doesn’t care about commitments, and healing takes longer than anticipated. For someone who lives by her calendar and commitments, it is quite the challenge to fit something into my everyday life.  And yet, I am reminded that my strength does not come from myself. My strength and resolve come from the power of Christ that resides within me. I am not in control. And it is freeing to rely on Christ’s presence and power to strengthen me.

At our house, we are having lots of cancer conversations these days.   Between my mom’s diagnosis and my diagnosis, our surgeries, treatments, etc, my girls have asked lots of questions.  We are all focusing on not allowing cancer to have the final word. Cancer will not steal our joy! We are choosing joy today and everyday.  

Let’s do this!!!!  

#godsgotthis #shebossstrong

April 1

I was the apple of her eye.  She loved me beyond imagination.  She would tickle my back until I fell asleep, all the while telling me stories.  She purchased the red fire truck I chose from the top shelf of the hardware store and one year she made sure we had matching navy blue jackets to wear.  On Sunday afternoons, we played church together; she directed the choir and I was the preacher (we even had communion with peanuts and grape juice). She took me shopping, she TRIED to teach me to play the piano, she laughed uncontrollably as we played together in the pool…..well she pretty much did anything I wanted.  Through all of this she taught me about Jesus. She freely shared God’s love and significantly formed me in my faith. When she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I saw her live her faith. She found her strength in Christ and had courage to face life without fear. One of the hardest things for her to let go of was life itself.  Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t afraid to die. She simply wanted to live. She wanted to live because she lived life to the fullest. She was my Aunt Jane.

I have thought of Aunt Jane so much since being diagnosed with breast cancer.  She taught me how to live and how to die. She died on April 1, 1998. It was quite appropriate that Jane died on April fools day because she loved to joke and laugh.  Her birth into eternity was a Big April Fools jokes to cancer because cancer and death did not have the final word. Jane continued to live and experience the fullness of life on the other side of eternity.

I felt such comfort when they scheduled my surgery for April 1.  My journey towards healing begins in her memory 21 years after she entered the church triumphant.  I will carry her courage, strength and faith with me. I will live as she showed me embracing life without fear and committing to embracing the fullness of life.  

My mom is another woman who lives her faith.  She is the most selfless person I know. She loves all and welcomes all into her life….no matter what.  I am who I am because of her. I have always wanted to be just like her. I didn’t realize we would both be fighting cancer at the same time. Tomorrow is her 3rd chemotherapy treatment. I have watched her courage and joy shine as she embraces cancer and chemo. I will live as she is showing me embracing cancer and not allowing it to take away my joy!

And then there are 3 little girls who remind me of all that is to come.  They are part of me and I am part of them. When I told them about my diagnosis, I told them “your mom is strong as shit.”  It immediately changed their tears into disbelief because I had said a 4 letter word.  I will live with courage and strength, so  they can see my faith in Christ and will embrace life with courage and strength and joy.

April 1, 2019 is in memory of Jane Wooten Hartzog and in honor of Kathy Goforth Wooten, Ella Grace Queen, Mattie Jane Queen, and Kate Marie Queen. Once again the joke is on cancer.     We are all #shebossstrong. And #godsgotthis.

My Aunt Jane

My Mama and My Girls 

I Have Cancer

I have been around cancer my whole life.  Granny was the first person I remember having cancer.  She died the summer before I went to 4th grade.  I learned right away that cancer wasn't pretty.  Granny spent a lot of time in bed and she couldn't get better.  I missed the biscuits she would make or the round cookies that fit on my ring finger that she would always buy for me.

Then there was my Aunt Jane.  She was my dad's sister and was like a second mom to me.  She didn't have children of her own, and I was the only grandchild on that side of the family.....so she loved me as her own.  My senior year of high school she got sick and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I watched her fight through surgeries, chemotherapy, medicines, and lots of doctor visits.  I saw her courage the day her hair fell out and she decided to throw clumps of her dark hair outside for the birds to use to make a nest. I witnessed her put aside plans and dreams because she was so hopeful that chemo would help her live.  I sat and held her hand the night that doctors told her there wasn't anything else they could do and didn't expect her to live through the night.  After that I visited her in the care facility and would go get her a hot dog or a milkshake because she thought that sounded good, only to have her not take a bite.  I said goodbye more times than I wish to count.  Jane fought hard.  Jane taught me how to live and how to die.  She deeply impacted my life and my call to ministry,

A few years later, standing in my parent's kitchen, my dad would tell me he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer "and its aggressive."  My Uncle Joe and my cousin Ben both faced that diagnosis.  And then just a few weeks ago I walked into my mom's hospital room.  She was wrapped in a prayer shawl.  Dad told me to sit down that pathology came back from mom's surgery and she has colon cancer.

I have held the hands of numerous parishioners dealing with cancer.  I have prayed with them, cried with them, and visited them.  I will never forget embracing two teenage boys, one under each arm, as they walked out of their mom's hospital room knowing it was their last visit with her on this side of eternity.  I have volunteered for hospice and been an advocate for the amazing work they provide.  I have walked in the Relay for Life and given money to the American Cancer Society. I have bought luminaries in honor or memory of family members.

Cancer has always been part of my life.  I have always known it shows no partiality.  it is nasty.  It is heartbreaking.  It inflicts pain.  It is life changing.  And now I have to pause every time I say, "I have cancer."  Yes, "I have cancer."  Now the story is mine.  I was sitting with my mom at her first chemotherapy appointment when the surgeon called with my biopsy results.  We found cancer and we will need to talk about next steps.

Tomorrow I begin the journey towards treating my cancer.  I have a procedure scheduled to identify the tumor in preparation for surgery on Monday.  After surgery, there will be pathology reports of the mass and lymph nodes, more doctors visits, radiation and hormone therapy for sure.  Oncotypes will determine if chemo is necessary.  Perhaps more scans if the lymph nodes are involved.  For now, it truly sucks to say, "I have cancer."  It is raw.  It brings unanticipated tears to my eyes.  It makes me angry to think that my body has failed me.  It makes me angry to think about how my girl's worlds have been rocked this year because two of the women they love the most now have cancer.  Yes, "I have cancer."

Cancer is now part of my story and yet it is not the only story.  My identity is found in the fact that I am a beloved child of God.  So, while I do have cancer.  I also have a God who walks ahead of me; walks alongside of me; and promises to never allow me to walk alone.  I have cancer AND I have God. 

A New Club

Today is International Women’s Day.  I have always been an advocate for women’s rights.  I have always been encouraged to be what I wanted to be, to speak up for myself and others, and to never settle for anything.  As an only child, I was rightly called bossy. Today I call that leadership.

My grandfather used to say there was no such thing as a SHE Boss.  However, he knew better than that, he was married to a very independent and outspoken woman and he was the father to three girls who grew to be strong, independent women known as “the Goforth girls.”  Four of his 5 grandchildren were all girls and have grown to be strong, independent women. I am raising 3 girls, who have strong opinions, speak their minds, stand up for themselves, and are certainly SHE bosses in the making.  (I often wonder where their determination comes from?!).

I am a proud graduate of a woman’s college.  At Meredith College, I earned a BS in Biology that taught me to think and reason.  I was shaped by my advisor, Dr. Swab who insisted that I write and speak clearly. I was gifted with friends who became like sisters, and I am forever grateful for an education that taught me to lead and love.  

When God called me into ordained ministry, I never considered that some would disagree with a woman’s role in the life of the church.  I remember the day I was told in the Cardiac Care Unit that the doctor called for the Chaplain not his secretary, or the day the pastor let me know his church would not be participating in a community Thanksgiving Service because he preaches and teaches against women in the pulpit, or the day the church directory photographer told me he was not used to preachers looking pretty like me.  I am the first female senior pastor at the church I currently serve. Some call me and sister clergy “incompatible with Christian teaching,” but nevertheless we preach, teach and lead.

This week I joined another club of strong and independent women.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer on Monday. A mass showed-up on a routine mammogram (the second I had ever had) which led to more images and a biopsy.  I have met with a surgeon, a genetic counselor, my family doctor, and I have been in conversation with an oncologist this week. This was a club that I never hoped to join, and yet here I find myself with countless other women who have faced breast cancer.  I am 41 years old, and I am ready to fight. I am strong (as I told me twins, strong as ****). This will not have the last word. I will not be defined by cancer. I will live into my faith and my strength will be defined by the power of God that lives within me.  This She Boss is ready to fight.

*** if you have been putting off a routine examination for early detection.  Please, use this as a friendly and BOSSY reminder to make an appointment.

Divided or Broken?

I was raised in a divided family. And in many ways I still find myself living in a divided family. As the oldest granddaughter, I was invited to sit alongside of my grandfather as he received the golden elephant award for the Henderson County Republican Party. As an only child, I learned my parents political persuasions were different. As a woman called to ordained ministry, I’ve had my southern Baptist ordained father-in-law hold my hands and pray for my ministry, and I have had others say “my ordination is incompatible with Christian teaching”   I listened to our “adopted daughter” share how she received a notebook on how not to be gay from her mother, and I listened as her mother begged me to help her see the biblical mandate. I yearly sit with my extended family on the porch of the beach house listening to a variety of perspectives on immigration. My family is divided. And in the midst of this diversity, I experience love and learn how to love.

Two weeks ago, I held a hand washing service as my church concluded a series based around our 2019 ministry theme:  “Serve.” I had the opportunity to wash so many different hands and my prayer was that God would use those hands to offer love and grace and mercy to our world. Two of the hands I washed were those of my parents. As I washed their hands and looked into their eyes I said, “May God continue to bless these hands who taught me how to love.” They are different different hands.  Politically one is conservative and one is liberal. One woke at 5:30 every morning to read the Bible and pray and the other spent the Sunday school hour each week catching up on the latest sports news from the night before. One sat in an office in the midst of academia and the other visited the dirt floor homes deep in the Jackson County Mountains. One is my mom and one is my dad.  They are different and together they taught me how to love.

I have spent the last few days in St. Louis with my other divided family called the United Methodist Church.  It was the church my parents chose after they married, it was the church I was baptized in, confirmed in, raised in,ordained in, am raising my children in, and it is the church that taught me how to love, who to love, and how to live.   Over these few days, I have listened as people passionately shared how they love without limits and others share how love calls them to uphold tradition and biblical authority. I have been yelled each morning by Christians on the streets who protest our conversation  on human sexuality. I have listened as my LGBTQ brothers and sisters sing “Jesus loves me.” I have cried. I have laughed. I have prayed. I have cried and prayed some more as I witnessed how divided we are. Love was present because God was present, but in the midst of the division it was not the love I recognized.  Yesterday after the General Conference voted to uphold our denomination’s traditional stance on marriage and ordination, I realized that our division is really an expression of our brokenness. We are divided, but more than that we are broken. We are a broken people in deep need of God’s healing power.

I was seated near a group of 30 some young adults who stood for almost 1 ½ hours chanting, screaming, “no,” and “stop the harm.”  I will hear the reverberations of their voices for a long time. In the midst of their chanting, I saw a broken church on the convention center floor. A group who desired unity gathered in a crucifix form on the conference floor, others danced and sang together,  and others sat silently alone at their table.

Walking out of the convention center, I heard many of our sisters and brothers holding hands and singing in solidarity.  Others walked out in silence. Police surrounded the convention center to maintain order. I wept. I thought to myself: this is my family and we are broken.  This is the church and we are broken. I continued to weep.

Many have asked what I am going to do.    I am still processing all of my feelings, and yet I know I am ready to walk into the brokenness.   There is so much brokenness in my life now: tomorrow I will officiate a funeral, Friday I will have a biopsy, Saturday I will be a mom at a  robotics competition and a dance competition, Sunday I will be in the pulpit proclaiming God’s word, Monday I will go with my mom to her first chemo treatment, Tuesday I will learn the results of my biopsy, and Wednesday is Ash Wednesday.  I will walk with those who are in their darkest valleys, I will face the sterile environment of medical uncertainties, I will join #teamkaki on the journey of chemo, and I will confess my sin and invite others to confess their sin. I will remember my own mortality.   I will proclaim that good news that resurrection comes from brokenness. I will confront the brokenness that does harm, and I will weep with the brokenness that excludes. I will hold those who feel broken and alone. I will wash broken hands, I will serve alongside broken people, and I will forever pray for healing and restoration.  I will trust that God is at work in my divided family. I will walk in the brokenness, and I will love.

Remember Your Baptism

Baptism of our Lord Sunday is one of my favorite liturgical days.  I am humbled when I get to place water on the forehead of parishioners saying, “remember your baptism and be thankful.”  I don’t literally remember my baptism.  I was four months old when Don Haynes placed water on my head and my family promised to raise me to know and love Christ.  I have seen the pictures.  I have heard the stories of how I cried.  And I know I can remember because God’s promise to me that day has not and will not fail.  God claimed me as God’s beloved daughter and God promises are trustworthy and eternal.  I remember and I am thankful! 

Through the remembrance of baptism we acknowledge all that God does for us and we are reminded of our identity.  Baptism makes us a child of God and a member of Christ’s universal family where everyone shares the name Christian.  Baptism calls us into ministry.  When we remember our baptisms we remember who we are and who God is.  We remember that we are connected with brothers and sisters around the world who look, talk, think, and even understand God differently and yet the waters of baptism unite us.   We remember and we are thankful!  

I was so excited to be back pastoring a local church and looking forward to marking the baptized with the sign of the cross and inviting them to remember their baptisms.  And then, it snowed and we had to cancel church.  I stepped out on a limb and tried something new for me, I recorded a “Live” video devotional (https://www.facebook.com/sally.queen.14).  What started as just something for my own congregation grew and attracted colleagues, childhood friends, college sisters, neighbors, family and friends near and far, people who knew me since birth, people who teach my children, and people who I do not even know joined together virtually as I had the opportunity to remind all that “we are God’s beloved children.”  The body of Christ came to life as I sat in my kitchen and hundreds joined from their homes and desks.  God’s family was united and worshipping together across denominational lines, with folks who feel forgotten by the church, with folks who regularly attend church and with those who don’t do church at all.  Through the unexpected gift of snow and technology we all were able to remember and be thankful!

Going “Live” today, I had my three daughters beside me.  Ella and Mattie read scripture and Kate greeted everyone with a smile.  I remember their baptisms.  Today they helped me to remember that God entrusted me with their earthly care and I entrusted them into God’s eternal care.  They are living into their baptismal promise.  I am living into my baptismal promises.  And we all belong to God.  Remember and be thankful!

The moment between breaths

 Today I was privileged to pray at the beside of a parishioner who had just died and then moments later I held a brand new baby, only about 5 hours old.  As a pastor we get invited into this intimate moments in people's lives. Since the birth of my own children, a verse from, the great hymn of the church, Because He Lives has become especially meaningful:

      "How sweet to hold a new born baby and feel the love and joy he brings, but greater still the calm assurance, this child can face uncertain days because he lives."

Both birth and death are resurrection moments.  Only one breath separates us from this life and the life to come.  I cannot begin to imagine all the uncertain days that the new baby might face in her lifetime and yet, I know that God will be with her, just as God tenderly and lovingly cared for the deceased.  I stood today on holy ground in that moment between breaths keenly aware that my presence was an expression of God's eternal care.

In that moment between breaths, we,too, face uncertain days.  For me, the post election days have felt very uncertain.  Division, exclusion, fear, and hate seem to be occupying the space between breaths and suffocating us and preventing us from fully noticing God.  We are in need of resurrection.  Perhaps we could let hate die, so that love might be delivered and birthed among us.  Perhaps we could resurrect the moment between breaths as an opportunity to live and proclaim that God is with us.

Called to Be Still

For four years I commuted daily to the Queen City.  Ella and Mattie were born in Carolinas Medical Center, they spent 43 days of their life being cared by some of the best doctors and nurses who call Charlotte home.  Our family flies from the Charlotte airport, we make frequent trips to the American Girl store in Charlotte, we have enjoyed many opportunities for entertainment there, we have worshipped in the heart of the city and we have served alongside some who have no home, but still call Charlotte "home."  We live only 20 miles from Charlotte and I have watched this week and I have felt called to "be still."

I think there are two images that stick in my mind that seem to describe all the emotion that is happening in Charlotte,  The first is of a police officer with a tear streaming down his check behind his gas mask and the other is of a very young man kicking and destroying 4 glass windows of a store.  The tear and the kicking both convey hurt, pain, anger, grief, and fear.  The tear and the kick are not just instant response to the current situation, rather they speak to the deeply rooted issues that exist.  The hurt and pain did not come from just one shooting, the anger did not come from just one situation, the grief did not happen overnight, and the fear has been building for years and years.  

Psalm 46 has become my prayer and it has become my call to be still:

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
    though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
³ though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble with its tumult.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved;
    God will help it when the morning dawns.
⁶ The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our refuge.

⁸ Come, behold the works of the Lord;
    see what desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God!
    I am exalted among the nations,
    I am exalted in the earth.”
¹¹ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Trouble, tumult, and uproar are present and this Psalm reminds us that"God is present in the midst of the city."  God is VERY present and we are called to "Be Still and Know that I am God."  Yesterday our church staff made the decision to open out prayer room in hopes that people would come and seek God and spend a few moments begin still.   Last night at our Bible Study we engaged in Lectio divina using Psalm 46 as our text in hopes that God will help us focus on our response.  

Today is a new day and yet the pain, hurt, anger, grief, and fear remain.  As a person of faith and as a person of privilege, I know that I am called to respond.  I certainly don't have all the answers, but as a mom when hurt, pain, grief, anger, and fear rear their ugly heads in our house, it does us all good to stop, take a deep breath, and center ourselves.  Now is not the time to point fingers or place blame.  Now is the time start bridging the gap of racism, prejudice, and violence by being still and through our stillness we are called to action.  Perhaps if we will commit to sit and be still with God, our response will look different from the past.  Our judgement might not be so much about blaming someone else and our justice might not look like getting even.  We could be called to radically love our brothers and sisters and to seek peaceful relationships.  Our being still and calm might even enable us to sit and have a conversation with someone who is very different from us, so that together we might be able to bring about God's kingdom.  

And lest you are confused, I don't think we are called to only be still.  We are called to be still and focus on God who is in our midst! 

Darkness and Joy

This week we greet the arrival of Fall.  On September 22, the autumnal equinox will occur and a new season officially begins.  The equinox occurs when the sun crosses the celestial equator from north to south and the days and nights are equal in length.  In other words, on September 22, there should be 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness and from that day forward the nights begin to get longer and longer.  In the midst of the long nights, the mountain ranges brighten with vibrant colors of red, yellow and orange.  After the beauty of the leaves, they land on ground bringing the need for raking and the fun of jumping in large piles.  Football season kicks into high gear and a new school year is well under the way.  Temperatures begin to drop and the first frost may even occur.  Fall is certainly a time when much is changing.  

Fall happens to be my favorite season of the year.  I love the seeing all the colors, decorating my house with mums and pumpkins, wearing long sleeves, and feeling the cool crisp air in the mornings and evenings.  While, I love the season, I know that it is met with much anxiety from others who dread the longer nights and limited daylight.   I must admit the early evening and morning darkness is my least favorite aspect of the season. 

As a mother of 3 girls, I know that things seem much worse in the middle of darkness and that the evening hours are the most difficult time of the day.  At my house, the dinner time hour is met with tired and cranky kids and parents who have worked all day and everyone has expended all our positive energy and darkness is greeted with terrible attitudes.  A fever in the night is often higher than during the day and a sickness seems to be more intense or painful when darkness covers the house.  A strange noise in the middle of the night is louder and more suspicious.  Long nights are challenging and there has been sleepless nights that I never thought would end.  

Theologically speaking, darkness has been characterized as time of loneliness and pain.  God is seemingly absent in the darkness and sin come to be associated with darkness.  Thus, it seems normal that humanity would struggle with darkness.  Depression seems to grow more prevalent during the seasons where there is more darkness, so for many fall is greeted with dread and uncertainty.  People’s moods mimic the long dark nights and they find themselves lonely and without hope.  I pray that as we head into the darkness of fall and winter, that the church would proclaim to folks that, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5).  The dark days of fall and winter will gradually be replaced with more and more glimpses of light.

As we approach the autumnal equinox, it seems important for the church to remember, Jesus was born as the light of the world and that his light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not and cannot overcome it (John 1:5).  As the night grows longer and the days grow shorter, God incarnate shines brightly and followers of Jesus bring forth joy to all they encounter. 

Called to Pack

     

       

    I really don’t like packing, and I tend to procrastinate as long as possible (for instance I should be packing to head to Lake Junaluska and instead am writing a blog about packing).  This time of the year many United Methodist clergy are busy packing their lives to move from one appointment to the next.  This year, I am among those clergy.  My packing for this move is limited to my office and yet the boxes are inevitable.  The boxes sat in my office for several weeks and I finally decided to add stuff to them on Thursday.  At first, it seemed so easy:  commentaries in this box, theology in this box, leadership books in another box and so on, and then it came to the stuff:  the pictures, the notes, the figurines, etc.  It was one of the first time that emotions were tied to this move.  I looked at the picture of the woman I call “my Shelby mom” standing with me at the dead sea; the “You are Special” plaque that was gifted to me by my homeless neighbor Carl who often stopped by my office hoping for a ride to “Pindale,” the note from a candidate for ministry who thanked me for helping him discern God’s call, the picture of me and the senior pastor I worked with for 5 years wearing our balloon hats and bright orange Faith and Fun Fest t-shirts, and the picture of me wearing my butterfly stole standing in front of a beautiful flowered cross on Malcolm Blvd.  Placing these items one-by-one into the box brought tears and a flood of memories.

                I remember hearing Bishop McCleskey liken itinerancy to packing boxes, calling a moving van, unpacking boxes, and then waiting until it was time to pack boxes again.  His explanation was not meant to be so cut and dry, rather it was to help remind clergy that itinerancy is part of who we are.  We are called to be people on the move.  Our call to pack and move originates in a biblical call to go where God leads us and to follow and trust.  As the tears streamed down my face, I reflected on how much richer my life is for having journeyed to Liberty, Newton, Shelby, Rutherford College, Charlotte and Gastonia.  My call has extended my family to include relationships with parishioners and colleagues I have served with along the way.  My call to pack and move has taken me outside the comfortable and my life is forever changed because I chose to follow and trust. 

                This year, God’s call is leading me back to the local church.  For the last four years, I have served on our conference staff working with candidates for ministry and clergy on their ordination journey.  My life has been made richer through the relationships formed and through witnessing the deep commitment folks are making for the church and the passion by which they live out their call.  I have stepped outside my comfort zone to help order the life of the conference and the church at large and my life is forever changed.  And yet, these last years I have grieved over not preaching and teaching weekly and not administering the sacraments with regularity or planning and leading passion filled worship week in and week out.  I have missed being called “Pastor.”  And just as God called me to this season on conference staff, I have heard the call to “go and serve.”  I recommit myself to God’s call trusting that God has amazing things in store at a new appointment. 

                At the end of the day on Thursday, I had emptied one bookshelf and packed several boxes.  The procrastination was over and the transition was underway.   I AM an itinerant clergy.  Myers Memorial will make my life richer and I will not be the same.  There will be new pictures, new notes, new friends, and new memories waiting to fill my bookshelves and my heart. 

Called Home

Tomorrow morning, I head home to see my family, sleep in my bed, and return to the work to which I am called.  I remember telling Bishop Goodpaster that I hoped I would still love the church after two weeks of General Conference.  Being a first timer has been eye opening, tiring, and heart breaking and it has been engaging and inspiring.  As much as the legislation seems to drag along and the differing points of view seem to abound, the spirit of God is at work through the church I call my home.    

I celebrate the mission and ministry that the United Methodist Church is engaged in throughout the world especially in regards to the Imagine No Malaria campaign that has helped to drastically reduce the number of children who die from malaria.  I celebrate all the deaconesses, home missioners, and missionaries we have been commissioned for life giving ministry to our hurting world.  I celebrate the social justice actions that our church stands for and represents.  I celebrate the clergy and laity who give of their time to serve and to lead our church.  I celebrate that I was here to celebrate the 60 year anniversary of full clergy rites to women.  I celebrate that General Conference gifted our bishops the chance to speak and lead and I celebrate that we took a step toward maintaining unity.  I celebrate that folks from different perspectives will be brought to the table to talk, listen, and discern the future of our church. 

For me, this step is one of hope and possibility.  Many fear that this may be the end of the middle and that our church will ultimately divide.  What comes to my mind when thinking about division is one of the most insightful words I heard a person say as they contemplated separation in their marriage after a hurtful action.  The person said, “I cannot make the decision from a place of bitterness and must press on until my decision can be made from a place of love.”  I pray that our step at this General Conference will be time for us to trust, pray and breathe, so that our decision for the future can be made out of love.  Many are critiquing saying we have done nothing and are leaving much undone and to that I say, our bitterness abounds.  We disagree and we have hurt each for too long.  If we had made another decision, particularly around human sexuality, our decision would have been made out of bitterness.  I am hopeful and see the possibility for a decision made out of love as God calls people to the table for conversation.

For two weeks our theme has been “Therefore Go,” and so I return home loving the church and ready to transition back to leading a local church.  I am so excited and hope filled for all the possibilities.  I am energized and ready to do that to which I am called…to be a mama preacher.  After the hugs and kisses from my family, our first item on the agenda is to dance.  On Saturday, I will watch my girls make magic on the stage as they dance their hearts out and I will join them tap dancing with my adult friends to Uptown Funk.  This home seems far away from the Oregon Convention Center.  And thanks be to God that it is the home I call my own. 

 

Tears and Listening

I sat through morning worship with tears flowing from my eyes.  The voice in my head kept saying, “Get it together!”  Another voice said, “This is what you get for making fun of your mother EVERY Sunday at church when she cried.”  And another voice said, “My heart is broken.” 

My heart was broken in the midst of rumor and talk about splitting the denomination who has formed me from my birth and to which I am now called to serve and lead.  I love the United Methodist Church.  I love her people, her clergy, and her amazing ministry.  My heart is broken because we are broken.  And I was overwhelmed with tears which reminded me of words from Frederick Beuchner about tears. 

Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are but, more often than not, God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.

I shouldn’t count the tears as unexpected because tears are my heart language.  And as much as I resist it, they come easy and flow freely.  They are not a sign of weakness.  They are my heart and I do know that God speaks to me through my tears, so today I am listening for God’s voice.  And I trust that the bishops of the United Methodist Church are listening to God’s voice as they have been tasked with coming to the General Conference body with a direction forward.

As I listened for God’s voice, I heard “focus on where I am.”  In the local church, I used to begin worship with God sightings.  I invited people to share where they had seen God at work in the last week, so I chose to look for God today and here is where I found God:

•  Sitting in the bleachers with a group of clergy from our annual conference that are amazingly gifted, diverse and faithful
  

  
  

  

  #WNCC needs these clergy to survive

•  Holding a 5 month old baby as we heard protestors sing “Bind us Together”

Malachi Dayson

• Hearing stories of friends who have been giving out cards and meal tickets to our neighbors who live on the streets in Portland

• Watching delegations pray together, laugh together, and cry together

a delegation gathered to pray

• Talking to my girls on the phone and hearing them tell me they love me
• Catching up with friends from around the connection
• Sharing a meal with colleagues

God is speaking in the midst of the tears and I will continue to listen.

Hope Will Not Disappoint

The first day of General Conference was a big day for the youngest member of my family.  His name is Wyatt and he was undergoing the first of a three part surgical procedure to correct a congenital heart defect called HLHS.  Wyatt’s mom is my first cousin and I consider her to be a sister.   I checked my phone throughout the day for updates.  His 8 pound body endured a seven hour surgery, and due to the amount of swelling his chest cavity would remain open for several days.  It is now almost a week since surgery and he is doing very well.  He will remain at Levine Children’s Hospital for quite some time and will still have two future surgeries

Wyatt Church 5 days after surgery.

At opening worship, we were welcomed by a Kathryn Jones Harrison, a Native American woman indigenous to the area.  She shared that regardless of where we had come from our hearts beat the same.  At her invitation, I put my hand on my heart; as I did, I thought about Wyatt and all he was undergoing so that his heart could beat like mine.  Suddenly his precious life became a sign of hope for me.  In Wyatt’s brokenness, physical healing was happening.  Medical research has advanced to offer a procedure that helps children who lack the left side of their heart the opportunity for their heart to beat and life to be sustained. 

"All of our hearts beat the same."
 Kathryn Jones Harrison
Former Chair Grand Ronde Tribal Council

Our church is broken and in need of healing.  Our hearts are beating out of rhythm as a church.  Individually, they are beating just fine.  We are here because  our hearts beat love  of God and neighbor and yet our theological perspective, our biblical interpretation, and our own experiences divide us.  As United Methodists, we have gathered in Portland to listen, talk, and discern where God is calling us.  In the midst of our great diversity and we are called to stay focused on the mission of making disciples.  Paul reminds us in Romans 5: 3-5 about how to act in the midst of brokenness and suffering:

We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out God’s love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given us.

Our call to rejoice is in direct correlation to having hope and hope is a result of God’s love being poured into our hearts.  Perhaps, our hearts beat the same because they have been filled to overflowing with God’s love through the power of the Holy Spirit.  This second week of General Conference begins on Pentecost Sunday where we remember that the church was birthed through the power of the spirit.  God poured God’s love into the hearts of people and their hearts were able to beat the same.  A unified beating of the heart gave life to the church around the world.  

                As I enter into this second week, I remember Wyatt and I KNOW that hope will not disappoint us.  We will disagree this week.  We will worship together this week.  We will speak our positions with conviction and boldness.  We will bow our heads in prayer and we will wipe tears from our eyes.  We will smile and we will laugh.  We will seek to be understood and we will try to understand.   And our hearts will beat the same, so we must have hope that as denomination our broken heart can be repaired.  After all, we are the church-- the living, breathing expression of God’s heartbeat for the world.  Hope will not disappoint us. 

Home Another Way

Liturgical Dancers at General Conference Worshup

Morning worship began with liturgical dancers carrying in the beautiful gold stars.  They helped to transform the space into an Epiphany themed service.  The text was the traditional Epiphany text about King Herod, the magi and baby Jesus that is found in Matthew 2: 1-12.  At first, it felt strange hearing these words out of liturgical context and singing “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light” on the eve Pentecost.  Bishop Sudarshana Devadhar preached a message that encouraged delegates to stay connected to each other and to focus primarily on seeking God in Jesus Christ.  The Epiphany moment for me came when I realized that God can surprise us and speak to us anytime, even out of context 

As one who loves to preach, I am constantly listening to sermons trying to get ideas and direction.   As soon as Bishop Devadhar began, I knew how I would end the sermon if I was preaching it today.  My focus would be on verse 12: 

And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way.

Those of us in Portland have come from different places and contexts.  Our hearts and minds are filled with differing theological perspectives and different hopes and dreams for the future of the church.  What would a modern day Epiphany look like that transformed us all to return home another way?  I have to believe that out of all our differences we can find unity and that we really can and will choose love. 

I am already committed to return home another way.  Through the stories of young people who love the United Methodist Church, I have a renewed passion for cultivating the gifts and talents of the youngest among us and making sure that their life and voice are heard.  Often at the heart of their story is an adult who believed in them, included them, supported them, and encouraged them.  I am blessed to have had so many who believed, included, supported and encouraged me.  I will return home to be that kind of adult for the young people I know. 

Tomorrow is our Sabbath.  My prayer will be that God will stir in us all courage to return home another way.