The moment between breaths

 Today I was privileged to pray at the beside of a parishioner who had just died and then moments later I held a brand new baby, only about 5 hours old.  As a pastor we get invited into this intimate moments in people's lives. Since the birth of my own children, a verse from, the great hymn of the church, Because He Lives has become especially meaningful:

      "How sweet to hold a new born baby and feel the love and joy he brings, but greater still the calm assurance, this child can face uncertain days because he lives."

Both birth and death are resurrection moments.  Only one breath separates us from this life and the life to come.  I cannot begin to imagine all the uncertain days that the new baby might face in her lifetime and yet, I know that God will be with her, just as God tenderly and lovingly cared for the deceased.  I stood today on holy ground in that moment between breaths keenly aware that my presence was an expression of God's eternal care.

In that moment between breaths, we,too, face uncertain days.  For me, the post election days have felt very uncertain.  Division, exclusion, fear, and hate seem to be occupying the space between breaths and suffocating us and preventing us from fully noticing God.  We are in need of resurrection.  Perhaps we could let hate die, so that love might be delivered and birthed among us.  Perhaps we could resurrect the moment between breaths as an opportunity to live and proclaim that God is with us.

Called to Be Still

For four years I commuted daily to the Queen City.  Ella and Mattie were born in Carolinas Medical Center, they spent 43 days of their life being cared by some of the best doctors and nurses who call Charlotte home.  Our family flies from the Charlotte airport, we make frequent trips to the American Girl store in Charlotte, we have enjoyed many opportunities for entertainment there, we have worshipped in the heart of the city and we have served alongside some who have no home, but still call Charlotte "home."  We live only 20 miles from Charlotte and I have watched this week and I have felt called to "be still."

I think there are two images that stick in my mind that seem to describe all the emotion that is happening in Charlotte,  The first is of a police officer with a tear streaming down his check behind his gas mask and the other is of a very young man kicking and destroying 4 glass windows of a store.  The tear and the kicking both convey hurt, pain, anger, grief, and fear.  The tear and the kick are not just instant response to the current situation, rather they speak to the deeply rooted issues that exist.  The hurt and pain did not come from just one shooting, the anger did not come from just one situation, the grief did not happen overnight, and the fear has been building for years and years.  

Psalm 46 has become my prayer and it has become my call to be still:

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
    though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
³ though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble with its tumult.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved;
    God will help it when the morning dawns.
⁶ The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our refuge.

⁸ Come, behold the works of the Lord;
    see what desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God!
    I am exalted among the nations,
    I am exalted in the earth.”
¹¹ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our refuge.

Trouble, tumult, and uproar are present and this Psalm reminds us that"God is present in the midst of the city."  God is VERY present and we are called to "Be Still and Know that I am God."  Yesterday our church staff made the decision to open out prayer room in hopes that people would come and seek God and spend a few moments begin still.   Last night at our Bible Study we engaged in Lectio divina using Psalm 46 as our text in hopes that God will help us focus on our response.  

Today is a new day and yet the pain, hurt, anger, grief, and fear remain.  As a person of faith and as a person of privilege, I know that I am called to respond.  I certainly don't have all the answers, but as a mom when hurt, pain, grief, anger, and fear rear their ugly heads in our house, it does us all good to stop, take a deep breath, and center ourselves.  Now is not the time to point fingers or place blame.  Now is the time start bridging the gap of racism, prejudice, and violence by being still and through our stillness we are called to action.  Perhaps if we will commit to sit and be still with God, our response will look different from the past.  Our judgement might not be so much about blaming someone else and our justice might not look like getting even.  We could be called to radically love our brothers and sisters and to seek peaceful relationships.  Our being still and calm might even enable us to sit and have a conversation with someone who is very different from us, so that together we might be able to bring about God's kingdom.  

And lest you are confused, I don't think we are called to only be still.  We are called to be still and focus on God who is in our midst! 

Darkness and Joy

This week we greet the arrival of Fall.  On September 22, the autumnal equinox will occur and a new season officially begins.  The equinox occurs when the sun crosses the celestial equator from north to south and the days and nights are equal in length.  In other words, on September 22, there should be 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness and from that day forward the nights begin to get longer and longer.  In the midst of the long nights, the mountain ranges brighten with vibrant colors of red, yellow and orange.  After the beauty of the leaves, they land on ground bringing the need for raking and the fun of jumping in large piles.  Football season kicks into high gear and a new school year is well under the way.  Temperatures begin to drop and the first frost may even occur.  Fall is certainly a time when much is changing.  

Fall happens to be my favorite season of the year.  I love the seeing all the colors, decorating my house with mums and pumpkins, wearing long sleeves, and feeling the cool crisp air in the mornings and evenings.  While, I love the season, I know that it is met with much anxiety from others who dread the longer nights and limited daylight.   I must admit the early evening and morning darkness is my least favorite aspect of the season. 

As a mother of 3 girls, I know that things seem much worse in the middle of darkness and that the evening hours are the most difficult time of the day.  At my house, the dinner time hour is met with tired and cranky kids and parents who have worked all day and everyone has expended all our positive energy and darkness is greeted with terrible attitudes.  A fever in the night is often higher than during the day and a sickness seems to be more intense or painful when darkness covers the house.  A strange noise in the middle of the night is louder and more suspicious.  Long nights are challenging and there has been sleepless nights that I never thought would end.  

Theologically speaking, darkness has been characterized as time of loneliness and pain.  God is seemingly absent in the darkness and sin come to be associated with darkness.  Thus, it seems normal that humanity would struggle with darkness.  Depression seems to grow more prevalent during the seasons where there is more darkness, so for many fall is greeted with dread and uncertainty.  People’s moods mimic the long dark nights and they find themselves lonely and without hope.  I pray that as we head into the darkness of fall and winter, that the church would proclaim to folks that, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5).  The dark days of fall and winter will gradually be replaced with more and more glimpses of light.

As we approach the autumnal equinox, it seems important for the church to remember, Jesus was born as the light of the world and that his light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not and cannot overcome it (John 1:5).  As the night grows longer and the days grow shorter, God incarnate shines brightly and followers of Jesus bring forth joy to all they encounter. 

Called to Pack

     

       

    I really don’t like packing, and I tend to procrastinate as long as possible (for instance I should be packing to head to Lake Junaluska and instead am writing a blog about packing).  This time of the year many United Methodist clergy are busy packing their lives to move from one appointment to the next.  This year, I am among those clergy.  My packing for this move is limited to my office and yet the boxes are inevitable.  The boxes sat in my office for several weeks and I finally decided to add stuff to them on Thursday.  At first, it seemed so easy:  commentaries in this box, theology in this box, leadership books in another box and so on, and then it came to the stuff:  the pictures, the notes, the figurines, etc.  It was one of the first time that emotions were tied to this move.  I looked at the picture of the woman I call “my Shelby mom” standing with me at the dead sea; the “You are Special” plaque that was gifted to me by my homeless neighbor Carl who often stopped by my office hoping for a ride to “Pindale,” the note from a candidate for ministry who thanked me for helping him discern God’s call, the picture of me and the senior pastor I worked with for 5 years wearing our balloon hats and bright orange Faith and Fun Fest t-shirts, and the picture of me wearing my butterfly stole standing in front of a beautiful flowered cross on Malcolm Blvd.  Placing these items one-by-one into the box brought tears and a flood of memories.

                I remember hearing Bishop McCleskey liken itinerancy to packing boxes, calling a moving van, unpacking boxes, and then waiting until it was time to pack boxes again.  His explanation was not meant to be so cut and dry, rather it was to help remind clergy that itinerancy is part of who we are.  We are called to be people on the move.  Our call to pack and move originates in a biblical call to go where God leads us and to follow and trust.  As the tears streamed down my face, I reflected on how much richer my life is for having journeyed to Liberty, Newton, Shelby, Rutherford College, Charlotte and Gastonia.  My call has extended my family to include relationships with parishioners and colleagues I have served with along the way.  My call to pack and move has taken me outside the comfortable and my life is forever changed because I chose to follow and trust. 

                This year, God’s call is leading me back to the local church.  For the last four years, I have served on our conference staff working with candidates for ministry and clergy on their ordination journey.  My life has been made richer through the relationships formed and through witnessing the deep commitment folks are making for the church and the passion by which they live out their call.  I have stepped outside my comfort zone to help order the life of the conference and the church at large and my life is forever changed.  And yet, these last years I have grieved over not preaching and teaching weekly and not administering the sacraments with regularity or planning and leading passion filled worship week in and week out.  I have missed being called “Pastor.”  And just as God called me to this season on conference staff, I have heard the call to “go and serve.”  I recommit myself to God’s call trusting that God has amazing things in store at a new appointment. 

                At the end of the day on Thursday, I had emptied one bookshelf and packed several boxes.  The procrastination was over and the transition was underway.   I AM an itinerant clergy.  Myers Memorial will make my life richer and I will not be the same.  There will be new pictures, new notes, new friends, and new memories waiting to fill my bookshelves and my heart. 

Called Home

Tomorrow morning, I head home to see my family, sleep in my bed, and return to the work to which I am called.  I remember telling Bishop Goodpaster that I hoped I would still love the church after two weeks of General Conference.  Being a first timer has been eye opening, tiring, and heart breaking and it has been engaging and inspiring.  As much as the legislation seems to drag along and the differing points of view seem to abound, the spirit of God is at work through the church I call my home.    

I celebrate the mission and ministry that the United Methodist Church is engaged in throughout the world especially in regards to the Imagine No Malaria campaign that has helped to drastically reduce the number of children who die from malaria.  I celebrate all the deaconesses, home missioners, and missionaries we have been commissioned for life giving ministry to our hurting world.  I celebrate the social justice actions that our church stands for and represents.  I celebrate the clergy and laity who give of their time to serve and to lead our church.  I celebrate that I was here to celebrate the 60 year anniversary of full clergy rites to women.  I celebrate that General Conference gifted our bishops the chance to speak and lead and I celebrate that we took a step toward maintaining unity.  I celebrate that folks from different perspectives will be brought to the table to talk, listen, and discern the future of our church. 

For me, this step is one of hope and possibility.  Many fear that this may be the end of the middle and that our church will ultimately divide.  What comes to my mind when thinking about division is one of the most insightful words I heard a person say as they contemplated separation in their marriage after a hurtful action.  The person said, “I cannot make the decision from a place of bitterness and must press on until my decision can be made from a place of love.”  I pray that our step at this General Conference will be time for us to trust, pray and breathe, so that our decision for the future can be made out of love.  Many are critiquing saying we have done nothing and are leaving much undone and to that I say, our bitterness abounds.  We disagree and we have hurt each for too long.  If we had made another decision, particularly around human sexuality, our decision would have been made out of bitterness.  I am hopeful and see the possibility for a decision made out of love as God calls people to the table for conversation.

For two weeks our theme has been “Therefore Go,” and so I return home loving the church and ready to transition back to leading a local church.  I am so excited and hope filled for all the possibilities.  I am energized and ready to do that to which I am called…to be a mama preacher.  After the hugs and kisses from my family, our first item on the agenda is to dance.  On Saturday, I will watch my girls make magic on the stage as they dance their hearts out and I will join them tap dancing with my adult friends to Uptown Funk.  This home seems far away from the Oregon Convention Center.  And thanks be to God that it is the home I call my own. 

 

Tears and Listening

I sat through morning worship with tears flowing from my eyes.  The voice in my head kept saying, “Get it together!”  Another voice said, “This is what you get for making fun of your mother EVERY Sunday at church when she cried.”  And another voice said, “My heart is broken.” 

My heart was broken in the midst of rumor and talk about splitting the denomination who has formed me from my birth and to which I am now called to serve and lead.  I love the United Methodist Church.  I love her people, her clergy, and her amazing ministry.  My heart is broken because we are broken.  And I was overwhelmed with tears which reminded me of words from Frederick Beuchner about tears. 

Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are but, more often than not, God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.

I shouldn’t count the tears as unexpected because tears are my heart language.  And as much as I resist it, they come easy and flow freely.  They are not a sign of weakness.  They are my heart and I do know that God speaks to me through my tears, so today I am listening for God’s voice.  And I trust that the bishops of the United Methodist Church are listening to God’s voice as they have been tasked with coming to the General Conference body with a direction forward.

As I listened for God’s voice, I heard “focus on where I am.”  In the local church, I used to begin worship with God sightings.  I invited people to share where they had seen God at work in the last week, so I chose to look for God today and here is where I found God:

•  Sitting in the bleachers with a group of clergy from our annual conference that are amazingly gifted, diverse and faithful
  

  
  

  

  #WNCC needs these clergy to survive

•  Holding a 5 month old baby as we heard protestors sing “Bind us Together”

Malachi Dayson

• Hearing stories of friends who have been giving out cards and meal tickets to our neighbors who live on the streets in Portland

• Watching delegations pray together, laugh together, and cry together

a delegation gathered to pray

• Talking to my girls on the phone and hearing them tell me they love me
• Catching up with friends from around the connection
• Sharing a meal with colleagues

God is speaking in the midst of the tears and I will continue to listen.

Hope Will Not Disappoint

The first day of General Conference was a big day for the youngest member of my family.  His name is Wyatt and he was undergoing the first of a three part surgical procedure to correct a congenital heart defect called HLHS.  Wyatt’s mom is my first cousin and I consider her to be a sister.   I checked my phone throughout the day for updates.  His 8 pound body endured a seven hour surgery, and due to the amount of swelling his chest cavity would remain open for several days.  It is now almost a week since surgery and he is doing very well.  He will remain at Levine Children’s Hospital for quite some time and will still have two future surgeries

Wyatt Church 5 days after surgery.

At opening worship, we were welcomed by a Kathryn Jones Harrison, a Native American woman indigenous to the area.  She shared that regardless of where we had come from our hearts beat the same.  At her invitation, I put my hand on my heart; as I did, I thought about Wyatt and all he was undergoing so that his heart could beat like mine.  Suddenly his precious life became a sign of hope for me.  In Wyatt’s brokenness, physical healing was happening.  Medical research has advanced to offer a procedure that helps children who lack the left side of their heart the opportunity for their heart to beat and life to be sustained. 

"All of our hearts beat the same."
 Kathryn Jones Harrison
Former Chair Grand Ronde Tribal Council

Our church is broken and in need of healing.  Our hearts are beating out of rhythm as a church.  Individually, they are beating just fine.  We are here because  our hearts beat love  of God and neighbor and yet our theological perspective, our biblical interpretation, and our own experiences divide us.  As United Methodists, we have gathered in Portland to listen, talk, and discern where God is calling us.  In the midst of our great diversity and we are called to stay focused on the mission of making disciples.  Paul reminds us in Romans 5: 3-5 about how to act in the midst of brokenness and suffering:

We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out God’s love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given us.

Our call to rejoice is in direct correlation to having hope and hope is a result of God’s love being poured into our hearts.  Perhaps, our hearts beat the same because they have been filled to overflowing with God’s love through the power of the Holy Spirit.  This second week of General Conference begins on Pentecost Sunday where we remember that the church was birthed through the power of the spirit.  God poured God’s love into the hearts of people and their hearts were able to beat the same.  A unified beating of the heart gave life to the church around the world.  

                As I enter into this second week, I remember Wyatt and I KNOW that hope will not disappoint us.  We will disagree this week.  We will worship together this week.  We will speak our positions with conviction and boldness.  We will bow our heads in prayer and we will wipe tears from our eyes.  We will smile and we will laugh.  We will seek to be understood and we will try to understand.   And our hearts will beat the same, so we must have hope that as denomination our broken heart can be repaired.  After all, we are the church-- the living, breathing expression of God’s heartbeat for the world.  Hope will not disappoint us. 

Home Another Way

Liturgical Dancers at General Conference Worshup

Morning worship began with liturgical dancers carrying in the beautiful gold stars.  They helped to transform the space into an Epiphany themed service.  The text was the traditional Epiphany text about King Herod, the magi and baby Jesus that is found in Matthew 2: 1-12.  At first, it felt strange hearing these words out of liturgical context and singing “I Want to Walk as a Child of the Light” on the eve Pentecost.  Bishop Sudarshana Devadhar preached a message that encouraged delegates to stay connected to each other and to focus primarily on seeking God in Jesus Christ.  The Epiphany moment for me came when I realized that God can surprise us and speak to us anytime, even out of context 

As one who loves to preach, I am constantly listening to sermons trying to get ideas and direction.   As soon as Bishop Devadhar began, I knew how I would end the sermon if I was preaching it today.  My focus would be on verse 12: 

And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way.

Those of us in Portland have come from different places and contexts.  Our hearts and minds are filled with differing theological perspectives and different hopes and dreams for the future of the church.  What would a modern day Epiphany look like that transformed us all to return home another way?  I have to believe that out of all our differences we can find unity and that we really can and will choose love. 

I am already committed to return home another way.  Through the stories of young people who love the United Methodist Church, I have a renewed passion for cultivating the gifts and talents of the youngest among us and making sure that their life and voice are heard.  Often at the heart of their story is an adult who believed in them, included them, supported them, and encouraged them.  I am blessed to have had so many who believed, included, supported and encouraged me.  I will return home to be that kind of adult for the young people I know. 

Tomorrow is our Sabbath.  My prayer will be that God will stir in us all courage to return home another way.

A Great Day

Today is day 4 of General Conference for the United Methodist Church.  This mama preacher is away from home and experiencing my first glance at the workings of our worldwide denomination.  My 38 years of life have been formed by the teaching, preaching and loving of the United Methodist Church.  I love our denomination and am called to lead in its midst, so I feel honored to be here as a representative of my annual conference.  The last four days have been filled with powerful worship, seeing friends from the connection, and learning the workings of our denomination.

The worship space this morning.

Our Uber driver this morning, reminded me how to start a new day.  As I got in the car, I inquired how he was doing and he exclaimed that “it is going to be a great day!”  Feeling a little tired and perplexed by all I am seeing and hearing at General Conference, I needed that reminder.  Trying to legislate conversation yesterday made me frustrated and then hearing stories of different legislative committees made me doubtful that the denomination will move forward in 2016 and yet, “it is going to be a great day.” 

And then sitting in worship listening to Bishop Sally Dyck bring forth God’s word, I knew it was a great day.  Her prophetic message to “go learn mercy” challenged us to consider all the incompatibilities with Christian teaching and to respond with mercy.  Her challenge was almost directly followed by a young 14 year old girl who proclaimed God’s word with such conviction and grace as she shared about her efforts to build wells for those who have no access to clean water.  Her presence at General Conference proved it was a great day.  And just now,  as I am sitting as an observer to a Church and Society legislative committee, the time began with the committee singing “when the saints go marching In” and the gallery singing “when the gates go open wide, we will sit by Jesus side.”  It was a powerful movement of God’s spirit of unity and the wideness of God's grace.  It was a great day!  

At the heart of our resurrection faith is this call to a great day.  God is constantly at work to make things new, to transform frustration into resilience and to resurrect hope from a sea of doubt.  It is a great day!

You may wish to watch the powerful worship from this morning:


http://www.umc.org/who-we-are/gc2016-video-may-13-morning-worship-as-you-go-be-learning

A Call to Faithfulness



Mattie as Helen Keller

Our twins just finished a second grade lesson on Famous Americans.  They studied former presidents like Washington, Lincoln, and JFK; figures like Lewis and Clark who chartered new territories; civil rights leaders like MLK and Rosa Parks; people like Neil Armstrong who first walked on the moon; and many others who left their mark on the formation and development of our country.  As part of this lesson, each child researched a Famous American and had the chance to become that person at the 2016 Second Grade Wax Museum.  Ella chose to be Sacagawea and Mattie chose Helen Keller.  Their research taught them many facts about these women.  On the day of the wax museum, they each donned clothing appropriate for their character and they were ready to share their story with all who visited.  It was impressive!  Visitors to the wax museum could approach each child and touch the “red button” on their hand bringing the wax figure to life allowing them to tell their story.  Each child shared two facts about their character and something their character was quoted as saying.  I was inspired that day by all the women and men who have left their mark on our country and helped to shape a land where freedom, justice, respect, and opportunity is accessible for all.   

Ella as Sacagawea

As our family studied and learned alongside our second graders about all these American heroes, I began to ponder the heroes of our faith.  Our biblical narrative is filled with characters who left their mark on the world and in turn help to shape our faith.  In particular, I pondered the female characters and the stories they offer us.  Women such as Deborah, who is the only female judge mentioned in the Bible; Mary, who willingly offered her life to be the mother of Jesus; and Mary Magdalene who encounters the risen Jesus at the tomb and is instructed to go and spread the good news.  In addition to these women, I feel certain that if we offered a Biblical Wax Museum, we would find the following women and their stories, as well:    

                Ruth:  A Moabite woman who upon the death of her husband is left barren and alone except for her mother-in-law, Naomi.  She offers complete devotion and agape-type love to Naomi and because of her faithfulness appears in the genealogical line of Jesus.  She once said, “Where you go, I will go, where you lodge; I will lodge; your people shall be my people and your God my God” (Ruth 1:15).

Lydia:  A woman from Thyatira whose trade was to sell expensive purple cloth desired for purchase by royalty.  She heard the gospel message from Paul and she and her household were baptized making her the first European convert to Christianity.  After her baptism, she invited Paul and the others to her home saying, “if you have found me faithful to the Lord, come and stay at my home” (Acts 16:15).

Women have played an important role in narrating our faith.  Ruth and Lydia both demonstrate radical hospitality and show us how to love others as God has loved us.  They each overcame significant challenges.  As a widow and childless woman, Ruth had no place in society and yet her faith placed her in Jesus’ genealogy.  Lydia, likely was a freed slave whose trade made her wealthy and able to overcome the odds and be the first Christian convert in Greece.  I am inspired by Ruth and Lydia, as they exemplify perseverance, equality, compassion, and commitment.  They help to tell a story of the diversity and inclusivity found within our faith story. 

Perhaps less famous, there are women and men who have also shaped my faith outside the biblical narrative.  Mrs. Elaine, who first taught me how to draw a tulip as she read stories of God’s love to me in Sunday school.  She would later take me to the most rural parts of Western North Carolina where dirt floors and no running water homes exist, all the while teaching me that we are called to love the least, last, and lost.  A recovering alcoholic and homeless neighbor named RG shared Christmas dinner with my family my senior year of high school and taught me that being welcomed to the table is transformative.  And precious 7-year old Angelia who I met in the Dominican Republic, shaped my faith through her broken English and hand full of cherries teaching me that truly the greatest of these “is love.”  Mrs. Elaine, RG, and Angelia will likely not be called famous and yet their lives and their actions forever changed my life and my actions.  They narrate the wideness of God’s mercy and the depth of God’s love.  Perhaps it’s not so much about being famous, as it is about using the life God gave us for faithfulness.  And perhaps in our faithfulness, we live out our calling to bring God’s kingdom a little closer to this earth.