Let me be full, let me be empty.

 

Ella and Mattie turned 7 on Saturday complete with a Disco Dancing Queen party.  And today was the start of 1^st grade.  It is our first time in different classes.  To say that life has been full to overflowing the last few days is an understatement. 

I remember how life felt very empty 7 years ago.  I had given birth to two babies, 11 weeks early.  Mattie entered the world weighing 2.6 lbs and Ella weighed all of 3.2 lbs.  Our NICU journey was just beginning.  It was uncertain what that journey would look like.  For the days that followed their birth, I was in a hospital bed far away from the NICU.  I was on the hall with other new parents.  I could hear babies’ crying.  My girls were in isolettes in a big room filled with beeping monitors, lots of machines, and medical staff buzzing around from baby to baby.  I was at one of the lowest moments as I faced being discharged and had not even had the chance to hold my girls.  Sure I had touched their hand, but I just wanted to hold them in my arms.

Andi, our fabulous NP, sensed my emptiness and said, “this mama needs her babies and they need their mama.”  I got to hold Ella and Mattie for the first time and I got to hold them at the same time.  I was full!  My cup was overflowing.  What a gift!   

Yesterday in worship, we were reminded of the Wesley Covenant prayer.  The phrase “Let me be full, let me be empty” really resonated with me.  I know the feeling of being full to overflowing and I know the feeling of being empty and down to nothing.  What remains constant is that life belongs to God.    

A Day of Uncertainty

I woke-up 7 years ago today and my water broke 12 weeks before our twins were due.  I remember calling Dr. Herring.  I remember the serious looks on the faces of the nurses at Cleveland Regional.  I remember the reality of the words spoken by Dr. Lampley.  I remember the ambulance ride to Carolinas Medical Center.  I remember the swarms of nurses and doctors who came with ultrasounds, medications, and lots of questions.  The day was filled with uncertainty.  It was not time for our babies to be born.  They were so small.  Their lungs were not fully developed.  It was not clear if labor could be stopped or delayed.  It was not clear what that day or the days that would follow would bring to the Queen household. 

I also remember the visits from God that day.  God's presence was made real through Pastor Jeff who came to the hospital right away and through Rusty Eskew who drove our car to Charlotte, so Kevin could ride with me in the ambulance.  God's presence was felt through the hugs of our parents and the calls from our friends.  God's love was made real through the prayers of the faithful that we cried out on our behalf.  God kept me grounded through the reading of Psalm 139 and Psalm 46.  In the midst of uncertainty, God was there. 

As we approach the twin's birthday every year, I remember this day.  I remember its uncertainty and I remember the one thing that was certain:  God was with us.  This morning, I  paused to snuggle with Ella and Mattie a little longer than normal out of a deep sense of knowing that God is with us. 

Nourished by Love

My grandparent’s house had a large round dining table where I remember eating many family dinners.  My mom has two sister, and I have 4 cousins.  We are a close family.  All 17 of us travel to Holden Beach together every summer.  We are all different, yet we all love and serve God.  We are able to sit around table and laugh, tell stories, listen to heartaches, acknowledge our differences, and nourish each other with love. 

I have spent this week at a training event for Boards of Ordained Ministry.  United Methodist leaders from all over the country joined to share best practices and challenge one another in our pursuit of forming excellent clergy for a lifetime of ministry.  We sat around table to talk, discuss, share stories, laugh, sing, pray, and nourish each other with love. 

We gather at a time when some in our denominations are so focused on our differences that they have suggested schism as the solution.  Thoughts of schism break my heart.  I love the United Methodist Church.  I am a product of this denomination baptized as an infant, confirmed as a 6^th grader, and ordained as a young adult.  I acknowledge that our differences on social issues are great, and I know we all love the same Jesus. 

I was struck today by the reminder that we all sit around the same table.  Despite our differences that lead us towards schism or full inclusion, I pray that we can continue to sit at the same table.  The living Jesus invites us to the sit together, perhaps at opposite ends; yet together bound by the love expressed through broken bread and spilled out wine.  Around the table may we be nourished by love.

Feet

I enjoy getting a pedicure, especially when accompanied by some girl-friends where we can use the time to chat, laugh, and catch-up while our feet are given care and attention.  It is always fun to have my friend Merri join me just to see what color or design she chooses.  Her toes tend to be bright and colorful and sometimes glittery and sparkly.  I am not near that adventurous.  When given all the 100s of colors to choose from, I stick with my favorite, OPI Red.  (It has a hidden name among my friends, but probably not appropriate for my mamapreacher blog!)  For me, OPI Red does the trick at hiding my ugly feet. 

My feet are ugly.  They are wide and short.  They are cracked and callused.  Yet, they were the subject of Sunday’s sermon.  In fact, your feet were the subject of the sermon, too.  The Apostle Paul says, in Romans 10: 15 “how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”  Our feet were created beautiful in order that good news might be brought to an ugly and broken world. 

Our feet that bring good news were created to:

                Flex:                      to change our course when God calls us in a different direction

                Empathize:        to feel the pain of this world and recognize the suffering among us

                Encourage:         to build-up those around us who are broken, hurting, and in need

                Travel:                 to go near and far to spread the good news of God’s love

 

 

Mama

You may know that I have an addiciton to Diet Coke.  I have been waiting for my favorite name to appear on the can or bottle I am drinking, and it finally did today.  Most mornings, it's the first word I hear.  "Mo....mmmmmmmy, Mom, Mama, where are you?" are the sweet noises coming from 22- month old Kate's room as she eagerly waits for me to remove her from her crib. 

I love being a mom.  I have always known I wanted to be a mom.  I played with dolls from an early age, babysat for many children, and dreamed and prayed for the day that I would be a mom.  In fact, I believe that one of my first callings in life is to be a wife and mother.  As a full time working mom, I almost daily remind myself  that my husband and our three girls come before my job, my career, and my call to be a clergy person.  God called me to be a mom and God blessed me with 3 little girls who call me by that name. 

Yesterday I was a little disappointed when searching for a blog name and "preachermama" was already taken and then I realized that mamapreacher was more appropriate for me.  I am a mom first.  I certainly don't always get it in the right order and on those days grace abounds.  On the days when I do get it right, I am most content and most fully living into God's call on my life.

Stepping Out On My Own

According to our Conference Web and Communications manager, I am the most popular blogger on the WNCC site.  This landed me an invitation to ConneXion, an event for people wishing to learn more about sharing the good news in an electronic universe.  In an attempt to be fully transparent, I explained to organizers that I did not write a blog of my own; I only wrote when asked for the conference blog.  The invitation persisted despite my protests and the decision was made that I was the "right" person to share an 8 minute TED talk about blogging.  It is time to step out on my own!

As a junior in high school, I remember crying to my mother the night before I was to board a plane for a six week exchange program in Russia.  "I can't do it, mom, I am scared."  Despite my protest, I boarded the plane the next day.  Then there was the day my parents took me to college and I saw the tears creep in the corner of my daddy's eyes as we hugged goodbye.  I thought "I can't do this, I want to go back home and be a little girl again."  And I remember the day, the DS called and said, "we need you to make a mid-year move to a church in need of healing."  "Who me?  I don't know how to proivde hope and healing?"  I guess I have stepped out on my own many times before and despite my protests, the situations have proved fruitful and God has been faithful. 

The reality for me is that stepping out on my own is scary and exciting.  I know I have a lot to learn about the blogging world.  So here goes and stay tuned for thoughts on how life is for this mamapreacher who loves God and her family and is passionate about sharing the love of God with others.  Step one....Save and Publish.....I think?!